A month of learning a new normal
Wow! How has it already been a month?? I was dreading managing two and had no idea what it would look like. If you are expecting another child, this is just some reassurance that it’s okay to be scared of what’s to come. It is the unknown and you can not predict what will happen but I can say that it all works out.
After my first was an awful sleeper (he still is at times), I was dreading another awful sleeper (I do not cope well on limited sleep). Below, you can read how I prepared for sleep this time around. Please remember that who your baby is makes a massive difference on what will happen. My second has a very chilled temperament whereas my first is not so chilled.
I had the sling ready for contact naps but I’ve not needed to use it. My second is very happy in the bassinet with a dummy (my first hated the bassinet and would occasionally accept a dummy). It is a very strange feeling to know I have a second child but that they are happy being left in their own space for sleep. The biggest thing which has helped is having a set wake up time within 30 minutes each side has really helped our day feel more structured. Mainly because it regulates the toddler and makes the rest of the day more predictable and that predictability gives him some control and we all know what is expected in the morning. Our mornings look the same every day and I still need to make our flash cards so my toddler can communicate and show others the expectations mainly my husband.
For those interested, our morning starts with opening curtains, going to the bathroom, getting undressed, going to the loo and brushing teeth. We then go into getting dressed, this is flexible on who gets dressed first and where. This gives the toddler some choice (it still takes forever and we are at the “I do” it stage). We then come downstairs and have two options, walk the dog with milk and pain au chocolate in the pushchair or have breakfast at the table and walk after breakfast. If the walk has been first we have a second breakfast at the table. Once breakfast or walk is finished we are then free to do our activities of the day. (I’m still training my husband on this routine at the weekend).
Night time- I planned to feed to sleep as this is what worked best with my eldest. Baby is very happy with a cuddle or just being put into his sleep space with the dummy. This is very much his preference and I am leaning into this. I also follow his sleep cues and if he isn’t sleepy, he is very happy to lay and chat to himself. I have not started a bedtime routine with the newborn but he is exposed to the toddlers routine and when we move to more structure, his routine will be the same. The reason for not doing it now, is I am so tired by the end of the day. I am also co-sleeping majority of the time and this works for us. Its also the only time I can have those cuddles as during the day it is full on.
Finally, it feels easier second time around and I think this is due to removing the expectations on sleep that I had first time around. I do not watch the clock or track how much sleep he is or is not getting. No two days are the same and that is how it should be with a newborn. They sleep a lot but not always in the way you think they should and every single one is different.
Reminder- If it is working for you and it is safe. You do not have to the change anything.
How I am preparing for newborn sleep?
The magic of your first means you only have them to focus on and everything is new. I remember watching re-runs of gossip girl and rocking the pushchair at 3am, as this was the only way I could get him to sleep. I would then sleep during the day when we had more hands to help out.
I know this is not an option for my second. I will have a toddler to deal with during the day so no napping for me!!
This time around, I feel more relaxed around sleep and have learnt that sleep is not a reflection on who I am as a parent. same goes for you. Sleep you can not control and can not predict how much sleep your little one will need. This time around, I plan to go with the flow and remove the pressure that my newborn must sleep in the crib and using the support around me to help (The hardest part is asking for help but I promise by asking you’ll feel less alone). Newborns need a lot of sleep and I now know that there are things I can do, to make sleep easier for everyone. I’m also not forgetting that who my newborn is will play into how this plans out.
Daytime sleep, newborns often have day and night confused as they generally are most active in the womb when we are sleeping and our movements during the day rock them into sleep. It is common for newborns to want to sleep more in the day than at night. With this is mind, I plan to do something called sleep shaping, which means during the day, being exposed to natural light and not limiting background noise when baby is sleeping. The carrier will become part of my outfit, this means my newborn can be cuddled and kept close whilst giving me my hands to be with my toddler. No clock watching, or tracking nap length, newborns are unpredictable instead I’ll follow their cues. Finally, I am giving myself permission to do what ever my little one needs to help them sleep and remind myself I can not spoil my baby and I am not creating bad habits.
Routines will be key and lowering expectations on myself. Anything which can wait, will wait. Having systems in place which I can do on auto-pilot with my toddler. On the lead up to our newborn arriving we have the same steps in the morning (some mornings the toddler will be on board, other mornings it takes hours to do the same steps), same goes for end of day. This means on the days I’m tired, I can just run on auto-pilot. I am preparing to be running on 1-3 hours uninterrupted sleep at any given time.
Bedtime, it is normal for newborns to have a later bedtime and to wake multiple times overnight. I plan to have a sleep cue which signals that it is bedtime. This is your bedtime routine and is the foundations for sleep hygiene later on. I plan to expose my newborn to the toddlers bedtime routine and then later on do the same steps before bed to signal that it is bedtime for my newborn. This looks like nappy, PJ’s on, awake time with some tummy time, massage and then feed to sleep. The reasoning for feeding to sleep is this was the easiest option with my first and I wish I had done the easiest thing from the start with him. It is something that can be changed later on, as I am aware you can not spoil a newborn. Do what works for you and your family as long as it is safe.
So the preparation is having realistic expectations, do what is easiest and have routines which work for us. Using daylight to help learn the difference between night and day. Reminder, you will not ruin sleep later on by doing what works for you at this stage. Newborns sleep a lot but not always when you want or need them too. Remember too be kind to yourself.
Reality of toddler sleep transitioning from 1 to 0 naps
As a sleep consultant, people assume you have it all figured out. I can promise you it is a lot easier to support others with sleep than it is to support yourself. I talk to lots of sleep consultants and when it comes to my own sleep needs; I often ask for support as when you are personally involved it is hard to spot the missing piece.
This is exactly what happened when the sleep needs of my little one changed. I am heavy pregnant, my toddler sleeps in a floor bed. He was napping after lunch for anything between 30minutes to 2 hours. I left him to sleep for as long as he needed and would cap the nap at 3pm. This in turn was making bed time later and later. When we first moved to one nap bedtime was between 7-8 by the time I reached out for advice bedtime was between 8-10 with 2 hourly wake ups and early rising which had been happening for over 2 weeks.
If I wasn’t pregnant the later bedtime and 2 hourly wake ups would not be a problem, as I personally I would have gone back to co-sleeping, this is something which worked for us and everyone got a good nights sleep. I also love the later bedtime as meant we got more time as a family due to my husbands working hours. This is why as a sleep coach it is so important to understand the family needs and build a plan which works for them. I’m here to help you get the best sleep for your family.
Here comes the asking for advice, feeling a little silly because I can not work it out or I have worked it out and I did not want to make that change. So I messaged a lovely friend with what was going on. She very quickly came back to me with a “DUDE! drop the nap, you know what to do message”. With this I had to admit I knew this but did not want to drop the nap. I loved my time to myself in the afternoon. This is something I hear from lots of people I work with. You are not alone, wanting that time to yourself. Toddlers are hard work.
So armed with this knowledge, I informed my husband of the plan (who said at last, we’ve got this).
Day 1- full on family day in the new forest (this involves a 45 minute drive home). My toddler loves a movement nap. car, pushchair they are guarantees for a nap. I am tasked with keeping him awake for the drive home. Mission success which shows that he is able to stay awake. Bedtime is at 6:30 due to having no nap for the first time. Easy bedtime, followed routine, no pushback, into bed and asleep within minutes. Wakes twice over night and I do not have to get into bed with him to resettle.
Day 2- starts day at 7:30 (WOW! this has not happened in a long time). We started new childcare. This is a massive milestone and often disrupts sleep anyway. Manages the whole day, stays awake on the drive home. Bedtime easy, sadly my husband doesn’t see the toddler for long as he is falling asleep. 2 wake ups and co-slept for the last hour.
Day 3- starts day at 7:20 so a little earlier than yesterday but still a later start. Childcare again today. Manages the whole day no nap and goes to bed easily. 2 wakes with the last hour co-sleeping.
It would seem that the toddler was ready to drop his nap, but here comes day 4.
Day 4- 6am wake up and refusing to go back to sleep even with co-sleeping option. Looks like our day has started. Walk the dog, get ready for swimming. Head to my brothers house after swimming, lots of singing in the car, opening windows to try and keep him awake. Failed sound asleep, I even manage to pick him up, head inside and lay him on the sofa without waking him up. The no naps have finally caught up. I let him sleep for as long as he likes. Mistake, bedtime ends up being at 9:30 and still takes 45 minutes to fall asleep, multiple wakes during the night.
Day 5- starts the day at 6:20 so not the worst. Anything after 6 and I’m happy. Mini birthday party as we are turning 2 very soon and a few important members of the family rudely are on holiday and stag dos for his birthday. Great morning eating cake and playing. I then go to see the midwife and leave the toddler with grandma who takes him for a walk. He is walking so no risk of a nap. Well, he wanted to be carried near the end of the walk, I get a photo sent of him asleep on a deck chair in the garden with a “Sorry, can’t wake him”. This then means I get to be bad cop and wake him when I return 30 minutes later. I do successfully wake him up and then very quickly grandma leaves. Shouty toddler it is but by capping his nap, bedtime was back to 7:00 and more manageable. Multiple night wakes and I ended up co-sleeping from 11:30 as I personally needed sleep.
Day 5- start the day at 6:45. Wakes up with a temperature, runny nose, cough and just a general cold. End up with a very chilled day, as the toddler is poorly.
As you can see sleep is not perfect but by dropping the nap and when a nap happens capping it made a huge impact on the overnight sleep. Transitioning from 1 to 0 naps is a hard transition. I should be using an anchor time in the morning and ensuring we start our day at the same time every day but I have not done this, purely because I do not have an alarm clock in the toddlers room and often end up asleep in their for the final part of sleep.
What else do we have in place to help sleep?
Lots of day light and outside play. a consistent routine, ours currently starts with a bath with teeth brushing, followed by playtime in dressing gown, milk, potty, nappy on, pjs on (toddler gets to pick), into bed, story, lights out, cuddled to sleep. The play element changes depending on how wired our toddler is, if he is calm and coming across sleepy, it will be puzzles, small world, blocks together or the other side if he is wide awake, we will do yoga, running, jumping and let him have a chance to use that last burst of energy. Bedtime does not always have to be calm and some of our little ones respond better to something high energy and a shorter calm section. This was a massive transition for us, as I had always kept bedtime chilled with massage, stories, low lighting but as he got older this did not work and would often hype him up more.
I can now report that 3 weeks into dropping the nap. I rarely see my toddler at night time. I might get one wake and its a quick 10 minute cuddle and then back to sleep till wake up time or other times its a 5:30 wake and a co-sleep for the last hour. We also have 3-4 days with no naps followed by 2 days with a 45 minute nap which I do wake him up from.